Relational Bullying
It does not leave bruises.
It does not always get reported.
But it can be one of the cruelest kinds.
Because the weapon is not a fist.
It is friendship.
Reputation.
Belonging.
The power to make someone feel chosen
or completely alone.
What is Relational Bullying?
What Is Relational Bullying?
Relational bullying is bullying that uses relationships as a weapon.
Instead of a fist or a slur, the weapon is social standing. Friendship. Belonging. The power to include or to destroy.
It is defined as intentional behavior designed to harm someone's friendships, reputation, or social status within a peer group.
And it is devastatingly effective because the target often cannot prove it happened, the people doing it often do not believe they are doing anything wrong, and the adults around them often cannot see it at all.
Researchers have found that relational bullying can be more harmful than physical bullying in its long-term impact on a child's well-being, self-esteem, and mental health. (Springer Nature, 2022; ScienceDirect, 2009)
It thrives in the spaces where adults are not looking.
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
This is not abstract. This is a Tuesday in a middle school or high school hallway.
CONTROLLING FRIENDSHIPS
Telling someone who they are and are not allowed to be friends with. Threatening to end a friendship if the target stays close to someone else. Using loyalty as a tool of control.
CONDITIONAL INCLUSION
"You can sit with us if..." "We'll invite you if you..." Making belonging conditional on performance, compliance, or loyalty to the group.
PRETENDING IT IS A JOKE
Making a cruel comment and saying "I was just kidding" when called out. Using humor as cover for intentional cruelty. If the target is not laughing, it is not a joke.
SPREADING RUMORSStarting or passing along information — true or false — designed to damage how others see someone. A rumor does not have to be a lie to be used as a weapon.
THE SILENT TREATMENT AS A WEAPON
Coordinating a group to stop speaking to one person. Not as a natural drift but as a deliberate, organized response to something the target said or did.
PUBLIC HUMILIATION
Making a joke at someone's expense
in front of a group.
Bringing up an embarrassing moment
to get a laugh.
Using someone's vulnerability against them
in a social setting.TURNING THE GROUP
Gradually convincing mutual friends to side against one person. Painting the target in a negative light in individual conversations until the group consensus shifts.
Why Adults Miss It
Relational bullying is designed, often unconsciously, to be invisible to adults.
Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out, wrote that relational bullying "isn't just about not getting caught — half of it is looking like you'd never mistreat someone in the first place."
Here is why parents and teachers miss it:
There is no physical evidence. No bruise. No torn clothing. Nothing to photograph or document.
The behavior looks like normal social conflict. From the outside, it looks like drama. Like friendship fallouts. Like kids being kids.
The target minimizes it. They have often been told, or come to believe, that what is happening is not serious enough to report. They worry they will not be believed. They worry they will look weak.
The people doing it are often the likeable ones. Research consistently shows that children who engage in relational bullying often have high social status. They are well-liked by adults. They are the last students a teacher would suspect.
What the Research Tells Us
Studies published in peer-reviewed journals have found the following:
Relational bullying has a direct negative effect on adolescents' subjective well-being — more so than physical bullying in some measures. (PMC / MDPI, 2022)
Children who experience relational bullying are at significantly higher risk for depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and conduct disorders. (Tandfonline, 2025)
Weekly relational bullying produces measurable decreases in health-related quality of life in adolescents. (PubMed, 2017)
Adults who were relationally bullied in childhood show higher rates of depression and anxiety disorders as adults. (Tandfonline, 2020)
1 in 5 students reports being bullied at school — often through social exclusion and relational aggression. (StopBullying.gov)
Relational bullying is underreported and misclassified — meaning the actual numbers are almost certainly higher.
What Parents Can Do
Believe them first. When your child tells you something happened, resist the urge to find the other explanation. The most important thing you can do is make sure they feel heard before you do anything else.
Watch for the signs: Your child stops mentioning a specific friend they used to talk about constantly. They are reluctant to go to school or specific school events. They come home quieter and withdraw to their room. They say things like "nobody likes me" or "I don't have real friends" and then immediately brush it off. Their friend group has suddenly shifted.
Ask specific questions: "Who did you sit with today?" "Is there anyone in your grade who seems left out?" "Has anything felt off with your friend group lately?"
Contact the school. If the behavior is consistent and targeted, it qualifies as bullying under most school district policies. Document what your child tells you. Dates. Incidents. Specific names if possible. Then bring it to a counselor or administrator.
Teach them the tools: Teach your child that real friendship does not come with conditions. That they do not have to earn belonging. That anyone who uses friendship as leverage is not a safe person to trust.
For Kids
If This Is Happening to You
First — what is happening to you has a name. It is called relational bullying. It is real. It is recognized. And it is not your fault.
The fact that it is hard to prove does not mean it did not happen. The fact that nobody hit you does not mean you were not hurt.
Here is what you should know:
The people doing this to you are not more powerful than you. They have found a way to make it feel that way — but social status in middle and high school is not permanent, and it is not a measure of worth.
Tell someone. A parent. A counselor. A teacher you trust. You do not have to have proof. You just have to tell someone what is happening.
Be careful who you confide in. In the middle of relational bullying, it can be hard to know who is safe. Start with an adult outside of the situation rather than a peer inside it.
You are not what they are doing to you. You are not the rumors. You are not the exclusion. You are not the joke.
Relational bullying is real.
It leaves real marks.
And it can be stopped
by one person choosing to close the space.